


Inside Your Head the Sound of Glass Breaking

by 7_Magpies



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Angels & Demons, Angel Shane Madej, Angel Wings, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hearing Voices, Horror, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Ryan Bergara, M/M, Psychological Horror, Shane Madej Loves Ryan Bergara, Trapped, Wingfic, blink and you miss it self-harm ideation, several cameras were hurt in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:00:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27612437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7_Magpies/pseuds/7_Magpies
Summary: After getting separated from Shane on location, Ryan gets targeted by a malevolent force. In order to save him, though, Shane has to reveal something about himself that he's kept hidden.Specific warnings in the notes
Relationships: Ryan Bergara & Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 10
Kudos: 102
Collections: Buzzfeed Unsolved: Supernatural Beings





	Inside Your Head the Sound of Glass Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, friends! I promise this does get a lot softer than the tags might suggest. I'll put some warnings in the end notes in case you're on the fence about this--I'll admit, it gets a tad intense for a little bit, but it does have a happy ending!
> 
> Also I'll add that there's very little smut, but there is one short sexy scene towards the end, so, y'know, you've been warned ;)
> 
> This has been in the works for a couple months now, so I'm thrilled to have it out in the world! Thanks to bottomryanbitch for the feedback--love you lots <3
> 
> Title from "Litany in Which Certain Things are Crossed Out" by Richard Siken (shocking coming from me, I know /sarcasm/)

“Shane, what are we even doing here?”

“This was your idea, you know.”

Ryan groaned. “Yeah, I know, but that doesn’t mean I like it.” He looked around the dark sanctuary, and felt small underneath the vaulted ceilings, looking up at the pipe organ against the back wall of the room. “I mean, a church with a demon? Of course we had to come, but I really don’t like it.”

He looked over to where Shane was standing, his flashlight seeming too weak to break through the oppressive darkness surrounding him. There was something... _ off _ with him. He rarely ever got spooked at any of their locations, and Ryan wouldn’t go as far as to say he was scared. He just seemed... on edge. It made sense to Ryan for him to be anxious, though: any demon that could infest what was once a holy place was no joke.

“Do we really have to stay here tonight?” Shane asked, looking around uneasily. He was sticking close to Ryan, never getting more than a yard away from him. Ryan couldn’t bring himself to mind, though. He always said Shane had a calming influence on him, and that was no different in this place. 

“Why? Scared?” Ryan teased. The words didn’t have much of a bite to them, though, since he was terrified out of his wits himself.

“I just know there’s no way I’ll get any sleep because I know there’s no way  _ you’re  _ going to let me,” Shane shot back, smiling down at Ryan. It didn’t meet his eyes, though. 

It was late at night, and the crew had left for their hotel, so Shane and Ryan were alone in the old church. It opened into the sanctuary, and the back wall had a door leading to the hallway that opened into the offices and storage closets. The wooden pews were rotting away, and the entire room smelled like mold and dust. All in all, Ryan had the (not exactly new) feeling that he was in the beginning of a horror movie. 

“Let’s go ahead and get out our sleeping bags, I guess,” Ryan murmured, looking around the room again. “We can sleep up on the stage at the front. I’d like to stick close to the crucifix.”

Shane nodded and followed him across the sanctuary. They rolled out their bags and sat on top of them, looking around the old building. “Well, I guess we should do our individual investigation in the old priest’s office. I’ll go first.” 

“Are you sure?” Shane asked, looking up at Ryan.

“Yeah, I want to go ahead and get it over with.”

“Maybe… Maybe I should go first though,” Shane said slowly, standing.

“Shane, chill, I’ll go.” Ryan put his hand up as though to stop Shane from stepping forward as he got the equipment from his backpack. Shane’s insistence just made Ryan sink his teeth in. “I want to get this done with.”

Shane seemed to give up, and he stepped forward to help Ryan fasten the camera harness. It felt like Shane was helping him put on armor before going into battle, and he couldn’t argue that that’s where he felt like he was going. “If you… need to come out early...” Shane said quietly, not looking up from the strap he was adjusting on Ryan’s shoulder.

“Dude, are you okay? You always make me stay in  _ longer _ .”

Shane shrugged, still not looking up at Ryan’s face. “I just know this place is different. So if you don’t want to stay in there for the full five minutes, that’s okay.” There was a gentleness to Shane’s voice that Ryan didn’t hear often. Despite the terrifying location and where he was about to go, Shane’s voice eased his mind a little bit for reasons he didn’t want to analyze too closely. 

“I’ll be fine, Shane.” He didn’t  _ feel _ fine, but Shane’s worrying over him made Ryan want to prove that he could sit in an empty room for five minutes, possible demon or no. He gave Shane’s arm a slight squeeze, then left the sanctuary.

He walked down the hallway leading from the sanctuary to the offices, and tried to ignore the shivers racing down his spine. Every step made the ancient floorboards creaked loudly, and Ryan couldn’t fight the feeling that the sound was covering up  _ something _ else. “Hello,” Ryan called out, working hard to keep his voice level. “My name is Ryan. I’m here to talk to you.” He finally reached the office at the end of the hall. He placed his hand on the doorknob, and felt an electric shock run through his arm at the touch. Slowly, he opened the door and stepped in, closing it behind him.

“So I hear that you were summoned here by a bad pastor? He was trying to make a deal with you to get out of hot water on a rape charge?” Ryan said, trying to make conversation despite his heart racing in his chest. “I don’t guess that really worked out for him. Why are you still here? There’s no way you like the digs.” 

The office was small, and an old desk was sitting in the center of the room. There were frames on the wall, but the photos were long since rendered unrecognizable. He sat in one of the old wooden chairs and looked around in the darkness, hoping that he wouldn’t see anything. “Okay, I’m going to be quiet for a few minutes. If you want to talk to me, you can, but I would  _ really  _ appreciate it if you didn’t.” True to his word, Ryan stayed silent for two minutes, but kept the flashlight on. Every creak of wood made him jerk and look around, which in turn caused the chair he was seated in to protest against his weight. Finally, Ryan decided that he was getting close enough to five minutes. 

“Okay, I’m gonna start heading back down the hallway now. I just wanna say, you weren’t very impressive, but please don’t take that as a challenge and try to murder me in the night. My friend’s going to be heading this way soon, and he’s even more annoying than I am, so if you want to reveal yourself to _ him  _ \- that’d be great.” He stood and had started for the door when he heard Shane’s voice.

He couldn’t make out what he was saying, though, because then the wind started. 

It made no sense: Ryan was standing in a small enclosed room, but suddenly there was wind whipping past his ears so fast that he couldn’t hear anything over its roaring. Then, another sound broke through, a terrible ripping and creaking. Ryan looked up, trying to find the source of the sound, and saw moonlight through the roof.  _ That hole was definitely not there before _ , he thought. As he watched, what started as a small crack in the roof was spreading across the ceiling. The wind picked up in intensity, and Ryan had to reach up to hold his beanie down on his head. “What the hell?” He screamed, but he knew Shane wouldn’t hear him over the wind.  _ Shane. _ He rushed towards the door -

Ryan was thrown backwards across the room, and the world went dark.

\-----

The dust settled, and Ryan sat up, rubbing at his forehead. He had been on the floor and he felt dust covering his body. When he moved to stand, he noticed his arms and legs were already beginning to feel sore, and there was a sharp pain in his wrist. He couldn’t remember anything past the roof tearing open, but something had knocked him onto his back. He looked around the office and noticed that the desk that was once in the middle of the room had been pushed back against a wall and that the frames were all knocked off the walls, leaving shattered glass laying all around the floor. 

Ryan looked to the door, and felt his heart sink. 

The ceiling had caved in, and the wall of the office that had the door to the hallway had completely fallen in. The rubble was piled high, and there were some gaps he could see through, but none big enough to fit more than his arm up to his elbow through.

“Shane!” He called, hoping his friend was uninjured. “Shane, can you hear me?”

“Ryan!” He sighed in relief when he heard Shane’s voice. He peered through a center gap and saw his friend on the other side. The rubble was about a yard deep, and Shane was just on the other side. “Ryan, are you okay?”

“I’m fine! How about you?”

“I’m alright. Is there any way you can get back here?”

“No, it’s piled too high. I can’t climb it and there’s no way around.” He knew he should probably be panicking, but seeing Shane just on the other side of the pile of rubble made him feel less alone. “Can you call the crew and tell them to get back here?”

“Yeah, I’ve texted TJ, they’re on the way back now.”

Ryan nodded and moved to sit in the old wooden chair again. “I think I broke some of the cameras,” he called sheepishly after giving his equipment a once-over.

“It’ll be okay, we can get them fixed. Are you injured?”

“A few scratches and bruises, and my wrist hurts, but for the most part I’m fine. What happened?”

“All I know is I came to get you and the roof and attic caved in.” 

Ryan looked at the rubble, hoping to find somewhere to start digging himself out, but he knew that if he started moving pieces of wood it could cause a bigger mess that he wouldn’t be able to get out of. Or worse: it could collapse on top of him. “I think I’m stuck until we get someone here to help dig me out.”

“It’ll be okay, Ry. Don’t panic.”

“Says the guy _ not  _ trapped in the demon-infested office,” Ryan muttered under his breath. 

“I heard that. Just sit tight, okay?” Ryan was sure he was imagining it, but Shane almost sounded concerned for him.

He nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” He sat in the quiet for a moment, hearing the shifting weight of the rubble, but none of it was falling, so Ryan thought he’d be okay.

Then he heard the voice.

“Ryan!” 

“Jake? Jake!” Ryan stood and looked around the office in a panic, looking for his younger brother.

“Ryan?” called Shane’s voice from down the hallway.

“I heard Jake’s voice!” He knew it was crazy, his brother was all the way back in Los Angeles. But it was _ his voice. _

“You know that’s impossible.” His voice was mostly calm, but Ryan knew his friend well enough that he could hear the fear underneath it.

“I know, but I heard him! Shane, I don’t like this.” He didn’t even try to hide how frantic his voice was getting.

“It’s gonna be alright, little guy. I promise, it is.”

“Ryan! Help me!” This time, it was Ryan’s mom. It felt like she was right behind him, but when Ryan turned, there was nothing. Then he heard another scream that sounded like his dad. It had so much fear in it, and Ryan jumped at how close it felt. 

“Shane, don’t you hear that?!” 

“No, Ryan, I don’t.” He didn’t say it was just in Ryan’s head, but it was understood.

“I’m not going crazy.”

“I didn’t say you are.” 

Ryan walked over to the pile of rubble, looking over his shoulder as he crossed the room, and looked through to see Shane looking concerned. “You’re thinking it, though. I’m not crazy. I heard my brother and my mom and my dad screaming. They all sound terrified.” He felt warm tears well up in his eyes at hearing his family sound so tortured, but not being able to help.

Shane’s expression mirrored what his own must have looked like, and Ryan realized how difficult the situation must be for Shane. He could see Ryan, and hear him, but he could do nothing to help him. 

“Ryan, I don’t think you’re crazy. I’m serious. Just - the crew will be here soon, okay? Can you just hold tight?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. Just, stay close?”

“Of course. I’m not gonna just leave you.” 

Ryan nodded, but then heard a new voice. “Who does he think he’s kidding?” This voice was eerily familiar, but Ryan couldn’t place it. 

“Did you hear that?” Ryan asked softly, his eyes opened wide. 

“No.”

“Of course he didn’t, this is all in your head.” The voice was coming from right behind him, and he wasn’t sure what would be worse: to turn and see nothing, or to turn and see  _ something. _

He turned, slowly, and almost screamed.

There _ was _ something there. And he realized why he recognized the voice.

It was him. 

There was another Ryan. Dressed the same as him, but the expression was…  _ wrong. _ The eyes were so empty, and the expression was cruel. Ryan didn’t think he’d ever seen that expression on his own face, and it caused a shudder to run down his spine. 

“Who… who are you?” Ryan asked, hating the tremble in his own voice.

“I’m you, dumbass.” The other Ryan sneered, looking him over. “How pathetic.”

“Shut up, no, no you’re not real.”

“Ryan?” Shane was sounding more panicked from the other side of the rubble. “Ryan, who are you talking to?”

“I…” he didn’t know how to answer that question. “I’m not sure. I - I think I’m losing it.”

“Yeah, you are,” said the other Ryan. “Talking to yourself? Really, Bergara? How fucking pitiful could you get? Stuck by yourself for just a few minutes, and you’ve already cracked!” He laughed, and the sound was so terrible that Ryan winced. It didn’t sound like his own laugh, it was high and manic and almost horrifying. 

Other-Ryan paced around the room slowly, and it made Ryan think of a cat about to pounce on its prey. He felt like the other Ryan was about to attack at any time, and that thought made his blood run cold. 

“What do you want?”

“Hm. What do I want, what do I want?” He hummed, as though mulling the question over, before stopping his slow pacing and leaning against the desk, crossing his arms. “I don’t know. I’ll settle for watching you lose your mind, I think. But I’ll let you know if I come up with anything else.” His voice had a cruel humor in it that made Ryan’s blood run cold.

“What are you seeing?” Shane asked.

“You’re… you’re not gonna believe me.” His breath was coming in short gasps as he tried to fight off the fear that was slowly taking over his body.

“Tell me, Ryan! Please!” His friend’s voice was so desperate, and if he wasn’t so scared, Ryan was afraid he’d feel his heart break at the sound.

“It’s… me. Except… wrong. I don’t know, I don’t like it, I have to get out of here, Shane, I’m going crazy.” The tears were starting to fall now, whether from fear, or desperation, or both, or something else entirely, Ryan didn’t know. All he knew was that he was more scared than he’d ever been in his life. The Sallie House had nothing on this place. At least there he had Shane close by. Now, though, Shane was  _ so close _ but still out of reach. 

“Wow, you  _ are _ pathetic,” other Ryan said in a low voice. “You’re in love with that guy? Why waste your time? What would someone like  _ him _ see in someone like  _ you _ ?” 

“Stay with me, buddy,” Shane called. “Please, Ryan, it’ll be alright, just hang in there. Do you hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I hear you,” Ryan finally managed to get out around the lump in his throat. “I’m so fucking scared, man.”

“I know, I know. I’m so so sorry just  _ please _ hang in there.” Ryan couldn’t remember seeing Shane scared before in the years they’d known each other, with very few, very short exceptions. So hearing the desperation and fear in his voice was a completely new, completely  _ strange _ experience, on top of everything else happening to him. 

“I mean really,” the other Ryan continued, stepping closer to Ryan. “He’s handsome, funny, smart… What do  _ you  _ have to offer? Good bone structure? Some muscles?” He scoffed. “You look good, but that’ll fade. What else do you have to offer? Why would he give you a second glance? Other than pity of course.” 

“Shut up!” he yelled at the other Ryan. “Stop it!” He couldn’t help covering his ears with his hands, trying to block out the words. He heard Shane yelling, but he blocked him out as well as what the other Ryan was saying. “Go away!” 

He opened his eyes and saw the other Ryan standing there,  _ laughing  _ at him. But it was just…  _ so wrong _ . His face was wrong, his body was wrong… it was terrifying to see something so familiar but twisted to such cruelty. He closed his eyes again, screwing them shut. “Stop it!”

“Do you really think it’d be that easy?” The voice was loud and right inside his ear. He jumped, pulling his hands away, and looked to his side to see the other Ryan leaning against the wall beside him, arms crossed and lips turned in a sneer. “You think you can cover your ears and close your eyes and I’ll be gone?”

Ryan blinked and the other Ryan  _ was _ gone. Except, no, he had just moved in the time it took Ryan to blink. Now he was sitting on the desk that was pushed against the far wall. “I mean, really? How fucking  _ pitiful _ are you?”

Another blink, and the other Ryan was now standing in Ryan’s space, their faces just a few inches apart, and he jumped backwards.

“Why do you make other people put up with this shit? Seriously? You should put everyone out of their misery!” 

The words were so evil, and the other Ryan kept going, appearing in different places and saying such mean things, and Ryan was crying in earnest at hearing his deepest and darkest fears voiced so cruelly.

His voice became a chorus of “give up” and “just die” and other phrases that put him on the edge of sobbing. 

“Stop it! Just stop it! Please!”

“Oh, are you begging, you pathetic piece of shit? Huh? Begging for me to stop bullying you?” He was sitting astride the chair now, arms crossed on the chair back. “Maybe you should beg Shane to save you.” He paused for a second before scoffing. “Never mind, you’d probably like begging  _ him _ too much. You’re sad like that. Do you think he’d give in and sleep with you if you begged on your knees? He might take pity on you.” 

Then he heard a scream again, Jake, or his mom, either way it was too much. The cruel words that he recognized from the darkest corners of his own brain combined with the sound of his family in such pain with nothing he could do, and the fact that Shane was so close but so far…

Ryan felt himself breaking.

He sank onto the floor and hid his face in his hands, screwing his eyes shut. He put a hand down to steady himself, and it rested on a shard of glass from one of the frames. The glass cut his skin and he winced. The pain in his palm helped him ignore the demon, though, and maybe it was right, maybe he should take the glass and -

Even through his eyelids, the light was almost blinding. 

The light appeared out of nowhere and stayed for a long while. Ryan realized after a moment that he was hearing music as well. If he tried later, he would realize he could not recall the music at all, only the fact that it had made him feel more at ease and content than he remembered ever being in his life, despite the despair he had felt just seconds prior.

He had no way of knowing how long the light and music were there, but when they faded he kept his eyes closed. That’s when he felt strong, warm arms wrap around him and lift him in the air bridal-style. 

\------

Ryan woke up an indeterminate time later, and realized he was lying on grass. Except for his head, which was elevated and on something soft. He opened his eyes slowly, terrified he might see the other Ryan standing there. 

Instead, he saw Shane’s face looking down on him, and he sighed in relief. 

His friend’s expression was so concerned, but the first thought that came to Ryan’s mind was  _ has he always been so beautiful? _

He realized that Shane was speaking, and he worked to focus on the words. 

“-alright? Ryan? Can you hear me?”

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he said slowly, testing his voice. He cleared his throat a little bit. “What… what happened?” 

“How much do you remember?”

“I remember…” he trailed off, thinking. “I remember hearing screams, my family… oh gosh.” He felt bile rise in his throat as the memory of the other Ryan broke to the forefront of his mind. He sat up in a rush and held his head in his hands. “It was so bad.” He tried to even his breathing, and felt Shane’s large hand on his shoulder, comforting him. Then he remembered that, the last time he saw Shane, they were separated by a collapsed building.

He turned to face Shane, and realized that he had been lying with his head in Shane’s lap. He tried nor to think about that, though, focusing on finding out what happened. “Wait. What… where are we? How did you get me out?” 

“There’s… something I have to tell you. But the crew should be here any second now. I’ll tell you everything when we get back to our room. Promise.” Shane’s face was unreadable, which was strange in itself. Ryan was good at figuring out what Shane was thinking. They were always on the same page, almost always in agreement. This blank expression was weird, and Ryan didn’t like it.

“But-”

“Later, Ryan. Promise.” The expression that Ryan couldn’t read cracked, and a hint of anxiety - or was it fear? - was visible in the slant of Shane’s lips and the clench of his jaw. 

Nodding, Ryan decided to drop it. “Well. Whatever happened, thank you. If I were in there any longer… I don’t know what I would have done.”

“It’s okay, Ryan. The car just pulled in. Come on.” 

Ryan stood up slowly with Shane’s help. He realized then that his wrist that had hurt earlier was feeling better. He looked at it, rolling it to test it as he walked with Shane to the rental car where TJ was gaping at the building they had been in. 

“What the  _ hell _ did you two do?” 

“It wasn’t us!” Ryan replied quickly. “It’s an old-ass building! It just fell in!”

TJ pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered something that sounded like “legal’s gonna kill me.”

“Let’s get back to the hotel. I only had a few things land on me. Shane here was in a different part of the building, luckily. So we’re feeling fine, in case you were wondering.”

“Not when Katie hears about this, you won’t be.”

“Should we tell him about the cameras?” Shane stage-whispered to Ryan as they walked past TJ to get into the rental car.

“Wait -  _ what did you say _ about the cameras?”

“Let’s tell him later,” Ryan replied.

\-----

Back at the hotel, Ryan and Shane sat at the edge of their respective beds, facing each other, when Ryan finally asked the question he’d been wondering.

“How did you get me out of that building?”

“What do you remember?”

Ryan sighed, reluctant to think about what he saw and heard. “There was another me, and he was saying… bad stuff.” He tried not to think about that for long. “I also heard some screams that sounded like my family, and that scared the fuck out of me. After that… there was a bright light, and, I think, music?” He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “It was so crazy. I think I’m losing my mind.”

“You aren’t.”

Ryan looked up at Shane slowly, taken aback by how determined he sounded. “You… you don’t think I’m insane?”

Shane shook his head. “I don’t.”

“What does this have to do with how I got out of that church, Shane?”

His friend sighed heavily. “I don’t… I don’t really know how to say this, man.”

“Look, I have had the scariest night of my life. I don’t think there’s anything that you can say that’s crazier than anything I’ve seen or heard tonight.”

“Trust me. There is.” Shane finally sat back and looked at Ryan. “I’m an angel.”

Ryan’s jaw dropped for a moment as he tried to decide what to say. “What?”

“I’m an angel--I  _ was _ an angel. It’s really a kind of long story.”

Ryan stood and started pacing around the room. “No, no, no. What are you playing at, Shane? This isn’t funny.”

“I know. I’m not trying to be funny. I’m telling you the truth.”

“You can’t be an  _ angel, _ dude, what the hell? You don’t even believe in that stuff!” He was aware his voice was rising, but he couldn’t help it. He turned to face Shane only to find him stepping towards him. 

“That’s all an act, Ryan. It’s a really, _ really _ long story. What you need to know is that what you saw tonight? It was a demon. It was inside your head. It found your darkest thoughts and fears. It didn’t physically manifest, but it was real. You’re not crazy.”

.

“No, no,  _ this is crazy. _ ” He covered his eyes for a moment and tried to catch his breath. “You can’t just drop this shit on me. How am I even supposed to believe you? This is  _ crazy. _ ”

“I know.” 

Ryan looked up at Shane’s face for the first time since he began talking. The usual crinkle at the corner of his eyes was gone. The telltale twist of his lips when he was pulling Ryan’s leg was absent, too. He looked serious, more serious than Ryan remembered ever seeing him. 

“You… You’re not making this up, are you?”

He shook his head slowly. “Wish I were.”

“How am I - how am I supposed to believe this, Shane?”

Shane ran a hand across his face and shook his head. “I think it’ll be easier to just show you.” He stood and walked to the foot of Ryan’s bed and then -

“Holy  _ shit, _ ” Ryan said softly. Because, really, what else could he say?

Shane had  _ wings. _ They were long, about nine or ten feet long each and a blinding white that grew more dim after a moment. 

After they dimmed, Ryan blinked away the after image and started looking at them closely.“You-- _ wings _ ?”

“Yeah.”

“No way.”

“Yeah.”

Ryan shook his head slowly, standing and walking towards his friend, reaching out, but he stopped short. “Can I…?”

“Of course, go ahead.”

He gently touched the wing on Shane’s right side. The feathers were soft and almost silky against his fingertips. He could feel muscle just below the surface, and knew how strong they must be. 

“This is… this is batshit, Shane.”

“Yeah, kinda.” Ryan looked at his friend and saw him biting his lip, watching Ryan’s expression closely. He seemed nervous about how Ryan was going to respond. 

“I mean, this is awesome, but also, this is a lot, and I don’t… I don’t even know how to react to this…” He kept brushing his fingers over the feathers gently. “Who all knows?”

Shane shook his head. “No one. Not even my family.”

Ryan frowned. “Why no one else?”

“That would be… difficult. Dangerous. People aware of the existence of angels and demons are more susceptible to possession or demonic attack. Didn’t want to expose them to that. They didn’t ask for an angel for a son, y’know? I’d hate to drag them into this. The only reason I did for you is because you were in immediate danger. You already believed in demons, which is why that one today was able to get to you so badly. Does that make sense?”

“I think so. But, wouldn’t your parents know? I mean, aren’t they… y’know…?” he trailed off, gesturing to Shane’s wings.

“No. It’s a long story. Let’s just say I’m old. Older than you think.” As he spoke, his voice grew softer, lower, and Ryan noticed it in his eyes. Shane suddenly looked like he had seen far more than any man in his thirties could possibly have, and Ryan wondered how he could have missed it before. Shane continued speaking, though, and Ryan tried to focus on his words. “This body isn’t old, of course, but I am. I know, it’s a lot to process, and I’ve never had to explain it before, so I’m struggling a little. You deserve a more complete explanation. I can’t give it to you, I’m sorry. I’m sure you have questions-”

“Lots. But can you maybe put those back for now? They’re kinda freakin’ me out.” 

Shane laughed nervously and the wings disappeared. Ryan sat back down heavily on the edge of his bed. “Let me make sure I’ve got this straight: at the church, there was actually a demon. It got inside my head and made me face my own worst thoughts…” Ryan was reminded for the first time since Shane’s revelation about what the demon had said in his own voice, and trailed off, trying to control his emotions.

He felt ridiculous, tearing up at the memory of what he heard earlier in the night, but thinking about it brought back the rush of fear and anxiety and  _ dread. _ It didn’t last long, though, because in no time at all, Shane was sitting on the bed next to Ryan and hugging him. The contact helped him calm down almost immediately, bringing the wash of relief that Shane always did. Ryan thought for a moment. “Wait, do you always make me feel calmer because you’re an angel?”

Shane shrugged a shoulder, and Ryan felt it against his back. When Shane spoke, it was almost directly in his ear. “Yeah, I tend to put people at ease.”

Ryan couldn’t help smiling a little bit, and he rested his head on Shane’s shoulder, evening out his breathing. He always felt small next to Shane, but sitting practically cuddled up against him made him feel positively miniature. He found he didn’t mind it, though. It felt like Shane would protect him from any demons that tried to get to him again. After a moment, he was feeling calmer and pulled away from Shane to turn and look at him better.

“So, when you saved me, did you, like, fly?”

Shane bit his lip and looked down at his hands in his lap. “Not… not exactly. I used - well - I guess you would call them ‘powers.’ There’s really no good way to describe them without sounding like some lame comic character.”

“Then go ahead and sound like a lame comic character. I want to understand what happened tonight. This is my first  _ actual _ interaction with the supernatural. I need to know.”

He sighed. “Well, the thing is, I don’t  _ have _ powers.”

“But - but you  _ just said… _ ” Ryan trailed off, trying to wrap his head around what Shane was saying.

“I know. Let me explain. I don’t have powers. I can make the wings appear, but that’s it. Tonight? I had to do something for the first time in a long time in order to save you.”

“What… what did you do?”

Shane looked up at him, and his eyes had that tired look again. The deep, dark expression that seemed too old for his friend’s face. “I prayed.”

“Prayed?”

“Yeah. I asked to be a full angel, just for a moment, just to save you. Michael’s probably gonna give me Hell for it - no pun intended - in a few decades. But it was worth it.”

Ryan nodded slowly, not sure what to say for a moment. How does one respond to an admission like that? Finally, he settled on a question. “Why are you here?”

“How… how do you mean?”

“Y’know,  _ here. _ ” He gestured around the room vaguely. “On earth. Not in Heaven.”

Shane sighed and leaned back. “That’s an awfully long story, Ry.”

Ryan pulled his legs up onto the bed and crossed them, cupping his chin in his hands. “No way I’m sleeping tonight. So go ahead and get started.”

“Fine.” He was quiet for a moment, looking down at the bedspread under his long fingers.

“Any time now,” Ryan said, elbowing him gently.

Shane chuckled softly, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes, which were starting to glaze over again, even as he looked up at Ryan. “I’ve never told anyone this. Let me figure out how…”

\-----

You’ve heard the story, of course. Lucifer fell, brought a number of us with him. I won’t bore you with the details. I don’t remember that well, anyways. It’s been a long time, and thinking of it with this human brain is difficult. So I don’t. Suffice to say, they fell, hundreds of them, and became demons. Heaven was tense for a long time after that. Quiet. Everyone was afraid, but not sure what they were afraid  _ of _ for certain. That’s when I began watching you all. I was one of the first guardian angels, because I spent so much time seeing what was going on here, with humanity, and ended up having to come up with some reason to justify it. So, I said I was trying to protect this one man, a beautiful man with dark skin and black hair and a brilliant smile. This was a long, long time ago, so by today’s standards, he was short and not very clean. But something about him drew me to him, and I wanted to help keep him safe. I did, too, by the way. He died peacefully in his sleep at the ripe old age of thirty four. It was a different time, did I mention?

Some angels continued to fall for a short time afterwards, deciding to try their luck with Lucifer. I didn’t. I stayed where I was and watched you all, keeping myself, and some humans, out of trouble.

It was boring, though, watching. Not because I didn’t find you fascinating, I did, but because I was so far removed. I would continue to be someone’s guardian angel every few generations, and got to interact with some things occasionally. Never very much, though. I wanted more. I wanted to be with you all, see this world you had made for yourselves. So I did.

I went to Michael with my request. He didn’t like it, at first. Said that we were created to be different from humans for a reason, blah blah… he was always a talker, Michael. I got into the habit of ignoring him most of the time. I did have a good counter argument, though. I said that, if I could come to Earth as a human for a lifetime, maybe I could return to Heaven with some insight on the human condition. We angels, we have free will, obviously, otherwise none of us would have fallen. Despite that, though, we rarely get the  _ opportunity _ to make choices for ourselves. I told him that, down here, I could do just that: have opportunity. If it wasn’t worth it, or didn’t work out, what would happen? What could I do from here to mess with God’s eternal plan? Not much. If it came down to it, I would just go back to being an angel after it was all said and done and never come back as a human. No harm, no foul. He agreed.

I always liked being assigned as a guardian to people in the midwest of the United States. Something about snow, I suppose. We don’t have snow in Heaven. So that’s where I chose for my human form. Then I grew up like a normal human. Felt the same things you all do. Let me tell you, you humans have  _ so many  _ emotions. I felt more in my first two minutes of life as a human than my entire existence as an angel before that. You all feel everything so  _ deeply _ , all of the time. It’s exhausting, if I’m honest. 

I led a fairly normal life as a child. Maybe I was odd, but I have learned that most children are. Then my human brother went to LA, and I went to visit him. 

It’s a cruel irony, isn’t it? That the “city of angels” would call to me so much? I had avoided it as a matter of principle when I was an angel, but once I was there… I don’t know. Something about  _ that much _ humanity all together, coexisting… It was addictive. So I moved across the country. 

I ended up at Buzzfeed, got an internship just because it seemed like it would be a fun thing to do. I made some friends pretty quickly, but for the most part I stayed under the radar. 

Until I met a vaguely familiar looking guy. He was a beautiful man with dark skin and black hair and a brilliant smile. He reminded me of the man that I was guardian of all those millenia ago. 

\-----

Ryan had been sitting on the edge of the bed, hanging on Shane’s every word, but this part of the story threw him off a little bit. “Wait, who was it?” He tried to ignore the twinge of jealousy he felt at hearing Shane call someone “beautiful,” and wondered who it could have been.

Shane didn’t seem very amused. “Really?”

“I’m - sorry, I’m just curious. Didn’t mean to pry.”

Shane laughed, and he blushed, looking away. 

“Ryan, you are such an idiot sometimes. It’s  _ you. _ Why do you think I’ve stayed by your side all these years? The first time I saw you, I almost forgot that I was still a human. You remind me of being an angel, but only the parts that I do miss. Like flying, and watching over people, and helping humanity. With you, I feel like I have the best of both worlds.”

Those words sent an icy shock of adrenaline through Ryan’s veins and he looked up, trying to see if Shane was tricking him. He looked completely serious, though. 

“You… you thought that about me?”

“I still think that about you. I know that it’s a lot to put on you, especially after everything else I just dropped in your lap. I understand you don’t feel the same, but-”

Ryan cut him off, shaking his head. “Why do you think I don’t feel the same?”

Shane gaped for a moment, not seeming to know how to respond to that. “I… uh…”

“I’m not the only idiot here, y’know. What do you think that demon was telling me that whole time? It used my family’s voices, but it also told me I’m not good enough for you, that you would never see anything in me.” 

Shaking his head, Shane placed a hand on Ryan’s. “Do you - you don’t actually think that, do you?”

Ryan shrugged, looking away from Shane’s suddenly earnest gaze.

“Don’t. That’s not true. You are good enough, okay? And I see a lot in you.” There was a large, warm hand on his cheek, and Ryan leaned into the touch, closing his eyes as Shane ran a thumb along his cheekbone. 

“I’ve had feelings for you for a while,” Ryan confessed softly.

“Me too,” Shane replied, just as gently. 

When Ryan opened his eyes, Shane was looking at him closely, with a facial expression he had seen a number of times but never fully realized what it was.

It was fondness. His eyes were so soft, his smile so gentle, and Ryan felt like the ground had suddenly dropped from beneath him and he was in free fall. 

“Can I… Can I kiss you?” 

Ryan nodded. “Yeah.” 

Kissing Shane was so different from Ryan would have ever imagined. He was soft and gentle, which contrasted with the roughness of his stubble. It was a short kiss, and Shane pulled back, resting his forehead against Ryan’s. “Ryan?”

“Yeah?”

“Please don’t ever think you aren’t good enough.”

Ryan nodded, and suddenly had to hold back a yawn.

Shane chuckled. “Are you sleepy, Ry-guy?”

“It’s been a long night, alright? I could use a nap.” He yawned again. “Or two.”

“Go to bed, okay? We’ll talk more tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Ryan nodded, fighting down yet another yawn. “I’m gonna go change into my pjs in the bathroom real quick, okay?”

Shane nodded. “I’ll go ahead and change out here.”

In the bathroom, Ryan leaned his weight against the counter for a moment. It was the first time he’d been alone since the church, and it made his hair stand on end for a second. He calmed down his breathing quickly and changed, walking back into the room.

He was greeted by a shirtless Shane with his back turned. “Where are the wings?” he couldn’t help blurting.

“They’re not physical unless I want them to be,” he said over his shoulder. “They don’t come out of my skin or anything, and they are able to pass through my clothes. Their relationship with the physical world is weird and I’ve given up on trying to figure it out. I just decided to leave it at ‘magic.’”

Ryan chuckled, and placed a gentle hand on Shane’s back where he thought the wing would connect. 

Shane shivered and Ryan pulled back. “Sorry, I don’t - sorry -”

“It’s okay.” Shane looked over his shoulder at Ryan. “It’s just kind of sensitive back there. Magic, I guess,” he said with a wry smile.

Ryan nodded and reached out again, tracing his fingers along Shane’s skin, feeling the way he shuddered under his touch. “Can I… Can I see them again? Do you mind?”

Shane smiled and turned so he was facing Ryan and so that when the wings appeared again, they didn’t knock anything over. Ryan blocked his eyes from the flash of brightness, and when it faded, he looked at Shane’s wings again. “They’re amazing,” he said softly, running a gentle touch along the feathers. “Can you--can you feel it when I touch them?”

“Sort of. It’s kind of difficult through the feathers, but I can feel that your hand’s there, y’know?”

Ryan nodded. “That makes sense. So they’re not sensitive?”

“Not for the most part.”

He smiled and stepped closer to Shane, looking up at his face and noticing a slight blush. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just… not used to having them out. First time in a while. And I’m definitely not used to having anyone looking at me so closely.” He gave a half shrug and ran a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs up off of his face. “Kind of weird for me.”

“Trust me, I’ve been watching you for a while now,” Ryan said with a small smile.

“That sounds kind of stalker-ish, you know that, right?”

“Yeah, it sounded better in my head. Have I mentioned it’s been a long-ass night?”

Shane barked a short laugh and stepped into Ryan’s space tentatively, as though afraid Ryan would push him back. “You should go to bed, Ry. You’re tired.”

“Mm-hm. First, though…” he closed the distance between them and stood on his toes, wrapping his arms around Shane’s neck and resting their foreheads together. He thought it should be weird, how naturally he felt himself falling into pulling Shane close. But it wasn’t weird. It felt normal, and he wondered how he had never done it before.

Shane pressed a quick kiss to Ryan’s lips, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close. Ryan smiled up at him and leaned into the embrace, burying his face against Shane’s bony shoulder. He realized after a second that the wings were closing around their bodies, and he smiled. “That’s just fucking cool,” he whispered up to Shane’s ear.

He saw the corner of Shane’s lips turn into a smile. “Glad you think so. But we should really be getting to bed.” Ryan felt Shane give him a firm squeeze before he let him go. “Good night, Ryan.”

“Night.” He crawled under the covers of his bed and turned off the lamp on his side of the bedside table. 

Shane pulled on a shirt and then went to bed, after running a hand through Ryan’s hair quickly, causing Ryan to smile. “We’ll talk more tomorrow, when you’re not so sleepy, okay? We’ve got a lot to figure out.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Ryan said sleepily. After lying under the covers, the exhaustion hit his muscles hard, and he felt like melting into his mattress. Sleep came quickly.

\-----

It left quickly, too. Early the next morning, Ryan was sitting up in bed in a cold sweat, panting. After a second, his heartbeat was no longer so loud in his ears, and he realized Shane was saying his name.

“Ryan? Ryan, are you okay?”

Ryan nodded, and tried to catch his breath, rubbing at his face. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He looked up and saw Shane was kneeling beside his bed. “Bad dream?”

“Yeah. I was back in the church... “ he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m okay.”

“You were talking in your sleep. Couldn’t make any of it out, but you sounded scared.”

“I was. But really, I’m okay.”

“Okay. Are you gonna be able to go back to sleep?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Shane stood, but Ryan placed a hand on his before he could lift it from the bed. “Can you…” he stopped for a moment, embarrassed, before finding the courage to ask “can you lay down with me?”

He was still for a moment, and Ryan was afraid he’d say no. Instead, he lifted the covers. “Scoot over, then, you’re taking up the whole bed.”

Ryan smiled and slid over so Shane could slip between the sheets beside him. “Thanks.” He put a hand on Shane’s arm.

“No problem. Now. Go to sleep.” He put a hand on top of Ryan’s.

With Shane close, the familiar comfort washed over him, and he fell asleep quickly.

He woke again at a more reasonable time with his head on Shane’s chest and Shane tapping his shoulder and talking softly. “Ryan. You awake? We need to be getting up.”

Ryan groaned and buried his face in Shane’s chest. “Don’t wanna” he slurred against Shane’s shirt. 

“I know. You can sleep on the plane, though.”

“Wanna sleep _ now _ .”

His head bounced slightly as Shane laughed under him. “Come on, get up. You’re heavy.”

“Shut up, Shane.”

A few minutes and some bargaining later, they were up and getting dressed when TJ knocked to let them know they were about to head to the lobby and check out. 

After he left, they decided not to tell the crew for a little bit, and to act normal at least on the way back. “We’ll talk when we get home, and come up with a plan, okay?” Shane said in the doorway of the bathroom while Ryan brushed his teeth.

Ryan gave a thumbs-up, eyelids still drooping with exhaustion. 

The drive to the airport and boarding were both pretty uneventful, and they were on the plane a couple hours later. Ryan put his earbuds in, only for Shane to steal one and put it in his ear. Ryan rolled his eyes but didn’t complain. Instead, he rested his head on Shane’s shoulder and closed his eyes, letting himself take a nap before they got home. If any of the crew noticed Ryan sleeping on Shane’s shoulder, they didn’t say anything.

\-----

That night they were both at Ryan’s, sitting on his bed while his roommates played video games in the living room. Ryan was distracted, unable to focus on Shane very well. For some reason, everything the demon said to him was replaying in his head on loop. 

“Ryan? Hey, are you in there?” Shane waved a hand in front of his face, causing him to blink.

“Sorry. Guess there’s just a lot on my mind.” He lay on his back on his bed, staring at the ceiling and ignoring how unconvinced Shane looked. 

“Talk to me about it. Is it the… y’know… wing thing?”

“No. Not that. Don’t worry about it.”

“Is it the kissing me thing?”

“No. Really, Shane, let it go.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shane frowning. “Please, Ry, talk to me.” He reached a hand over to touch him, but Ryan pulled away and stood. 

“Shane, don’t touch me just to make me relax, okay?” He looked up to see Shane’s face fall. 

_ What would someone like him see in someone like you? _

“Sorry, Shane, I’m just…”

“What did the demon say to you?”

Ryan just shook his head, struggling to find the words.

“I know it’s hard, Ry, but whatever it is, you can’t believe it.”

“But it was  _ right. _ It kept telling me how I’m pathetic and pitiful and don’t deserve…” he trailed off as the tears welled in his eyes. He pulled away when Shane reached for him again. “No, don’t, it’s right--”

Shane backed away, his arms up in surrender. “Ryan. Please, listen to me. It was feeding off of your own insecurities. None of that is true. You think it is, but it was just voicing your own anxieties. That’s why it’s so effective: it says what you already believe but don’t let yourself think.”

“But it  _ is _ right--”

“Oh for Heaven’s sake, Ryan, shut up and listen to me!” 

Ryan jumped as Shane raised his voice and looked up at him. His face was almost blurred through the tears in his eyes. 

“It is not true. Okay? I know it’s hard for you to believe that, but I need you to trust me. Do you?”

Slowly, Ryan nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Let me touch you? Please?”

Nodding again, Ryan let Shane take his hand and pull him into a hug. He felt the familiar calm wash over him at the contact and closed his eyes, letting the tears fall down his cheeks and land in Shane’s shirt. 

“You’re none of those things, okay? You’re not. Please don’t think you are.”

After a long moment of letting himself be held, Ryan looked up at Shane. “Thank you,” he said quietly, throat still tight from the rush of emotion.

“It’s okay, Ryan.” He set a large hand on Ryan’s face gently, wiping a tear with his thumb. “It’s okay.” 

Ryan didn’t know who initiated the kiss, but it started out soft and gained heat the longer it went on. The intensity of the emotion that Ryan had felt earlier was coming back, but this time towards wanting Shane. The kiss was salty from his tears, but he didn’t care. He pushed Shane back onto the bed and landed on top of him, pressing him into the mattress.

“Ryan,” Shane said between kisses, voice low and breathless. “Ryan, what are you--”

“Do you not want this?” he asked as he pressed against Shane’s neck, kissing and sucking marks into the skin.

“I do. I really do, but you were just crying and-- _ oh _ \--” he cut himself off when Ryan’s hand pressed lightly against his dick. “Ryan, seriously, you’re emotional and--”

“Shut up, Shane. I need this. Okay? You’re not taking advantage of me. We both want this.”

Finally, Shane let himself be kissed and touched how Ryan wanted to. He pushed Shane’s shirt off and pulled his own off, throwing them in the floor and covering Shane with his own body again.

Suddenly, Ryan felt something touching his back. He looked to see that, while his eyes had been closed, Shane’s wings had appeared again. Shane looked embarrassed, face flushing a deep red. “Sorry, I, uh…”

“They come out during sex?”

“No. I don’t know why they…. Give me a sec.” He sat up and closed his eyes as though he was about to make his wings disappear again. 

“Don’t!” Ryan put his hands on them gently. “They’re fine. Just let me--” He pushed off of the bed and went to his bedroom door to lock it. On his way back, he pushed his pants down and watched as Shane did the same. 

Sex with someone with wings was weird, Ryan decided, as he rode Shane and grabbed the upper ridge of one with his left hand for balance, feeling the soft feathers and firm muscle just beneath them. His other hand clutched at Shane’s shoulder, fingernails pressing against his skin and leaving small half-moon indentations. When they were done and Ryan pulled off of him, breathless and covered in his own cum and leaking Shane’s, Shane pulled him down to lie on his chest, the mess between them ignored for the moment. The wings wrapped around them again, and Ryan absently ran his fingers along the feathers of one of them. 

“Do you think your roommates heard us?” Shane whispered into Ryan’s hair. 

“Probably. I don’t really care, though.”

He felt Shane’s chest bounce with his laughter. “Well, how about we do this at my place next time?”

“Fair enough, as long as there is a next time, and preferably sooner rather than later.”

“Glad to see you enjoyed yourself,” Shane said wryly.

“Don’t act like you didn’t,” Ryan shot back, smiling against Shane’s chest. 

“I wouldn’t dare.”

It was hard for Ryan to forget that night in the church with that cruel, twisted version of his own voice and the screams. Every time he had a nightmare about it, though, he rolled over to see Shane sleeping beside him. With time, the memories faded. 

His feelings for Shane never would. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! 
> 
> Spoilers, just in case: a demon makes Ryan see himself, but he voices all of Ryan's insecurities ("you're pathetic," "you're not good enough," etc.), and at the end he has a brief moment of considering self-harm, but Shane saves him and there is a healthy dose of comfort after that. If these are triggering for you, though, you may want to skip this fic, no hard feelings <3


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